Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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