You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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