Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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