OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's Friday. Sex?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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