Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize