O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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