I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
