So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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