hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
