hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
