My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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