At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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