You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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