I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize