My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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