I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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