I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize