Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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