Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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