Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
