Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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