My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize