video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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