My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
