I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
