if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
