Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
