The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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