Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
