forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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