1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
