thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
