i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
