I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
