So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
