My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
