He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
