Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
