I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
