And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I think I won the penis lottery.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize