i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
