My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
