you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I checked into jail on foursquare
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
