I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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