Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
