so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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