His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
