WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i just had sex bonerless
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
