i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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