if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
