whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You have to summon your inner elephant
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
