I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
