With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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