Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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