I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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