True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
