I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
